Two … or One …

I stare blankly, my eyes unfocused, lips slightly parted, and my breathing haggard as I wait. The air around me is cold, and with every breath, the cold penetrates me, spreading like a poison through me, seeping into my bones. There is pain, there’s always pain. The pain is harsher, today, more over-powering, than it was, than it had been these past days.

There are two pains, there always are. One almost blinds me, searing through my skull, piercing my dulled thoughts, and illuminating my mind with a bright, hurting light. This pain is physical. It is nothing, I remind myself, as to the emotional pain that will accompany this … this feeling, this brokenness that rips through me. Everything hurts; my head, my hands, my heart.

The emotional pain … How do I start? It blazes through me like a weapon of mass destruction, burning down every wall I created to protect myself. It is relentless, like a dictator, whipping his slaves to do his bidding. The pain dances out in white-hot lashes, scarring my mind, and ripping open old wounds. It’s claws rip through my wounds; wounds that are healing, with soft, sensitive skin that should be left alone.

Sometimes, I want to end this pain, to stop feeling this misery. And other times, I revel in this pain, I enjoy it, I take this feeling in, as someone would celebrate a birthday with family … as someone would entangle themselves around a lover.

Now, all I want is to stop feeling this misery, to rid myself of this dark cloud that hangs over my mind, that darkens all my thoughts. I just want to stop feeling this sadness, this unreal ache that makes tears choke my throat, every time I remember.

People think I’m crazy, that I’m a fool, for letting you affect me like this, for letting you seep through my mind like a drug, until my words can’t be trusted.

They don’t understand, that the pain can’t be stopped, not when the cause is rooted in my mind, the seeds spreading like a wildfire through the forest of my thoughts. And still, for a single moment;

I can’t hate you for it.

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