Sometimes, I tell myself that seeing my name beside certain others shouldn’t be something that should be seen.
I say this not because I see myself above them in any sense, but because I am not worthy of being in their presence in that sense.
I see myself beneath almost all others; I see myself in deepest pit of hell and in the most fearsome furnace one could think of. I don’t think I’d ever change this perception of myself; I’ve never been one for change in addition to being a creature of great habit.
I thrive in patterns and familiarity despite telling myself that I am one for adventure and one for new things.
I like patterns and trends; I like knowing and reading people when I see them, and I most certainly like knowing that I can quite possibly deduce something from someone before they have the chance to say anything.
It is as they say; you can change your appearance, but not your nature.
Or do they not say that at all?
It’s an odd thing, perception. It changes, depending on mood, age, character, and even something as menial as the weather. I say this not because I mean that your perception of your environment changes, because that most certainly does, but because your perception of other people and reading their character from the length of their hair and the creases in their clothes changes with every small move you make.
My perception of myself is quite possibly the one thing that wouldn’t change, or at least not by much.
It is something I do not review often (enough), kind of like the same way I don’t keep a mirror in my bedroom just so that I won’t have to look at myself when I walk past it.
My perception of others, however, is something I try to make in the same presence and frame of mind.
Most people might describe it as judging the next person just because she wears a complete set of clothes; make-up, jewellery … the works, but I say that it is more of taking notes from the things that others (I assume) mostly don’t notice (or at least, they don’t notice it at first).
I need warning before making contact with others; warning on how to carry myself, and whether I can be a semblance of my own character, or if I have to create a mask that will satisfy this particular person.
It might be the wrong way to deal with the world, but it is the way I do it … not the most effective, but at least I don’t have much of a trail of displeased people weighing me down.